You will need:

• 10 loaves of rye bread
• Family size bag of white basmatti rice
• about 30 stock cubes
• Gravy granules
• White wine
• Malt vinegar
• A room of your own preferably with a lock
• A used hoover bag
• A church
• A bicycle (push bike, not motor cycle)
• Twenty bags of frozen peas
• A radio
• Several jars of peanut butter
• Alarm clock
• denatured alcohol

Step one:

Empty your room so it contains nothing except these items:

1. A bed
2. A chair
3. An empty desk or table
4. A radio
5. A dictionary plus three more books of your choice
6. An alarm clock
7. One bottle of denatured alcohol

Step two:

Urinate in one corner of your room then empty your hoover bag all over your room and kick the dust around so it covers everything.

Step three:

Cleanse yourself thoroughly but without soap.

Step four:

Get on your bike.

Step five:

Cycle 60 miles in any direction.

Step six:

Cycle back

Step seven:

Pour yourself a nice refreshing glass of water and tuck in to a meal of rye-bread, frozen peas, peanut butter and malt vinegar.

Step eight:

Return to your room.

Step nine:

For the next two months follow these rules:

1. Do not wash
2. Do not open a window
3. Do not leave your room
4. Only one toilet break every eight hours
5. Only drink orange squash or malt vinegar
6. Only eat at meal times
7. No visitors
8. Lights off at half past nine
9. Lights on at half past five
10. For breakfast and lunch only eat rye bread with or without peanut butter
11. For dinner only eat boiled rice mixed with stock, gravy, peas, a few table spoons of white wine and a teaspoon full of denatured alcohol and make sure it is well cooked
12. No leftovers eat everything you make
13. You must eat three full meals a day
14. Only drink denatured alcohol when bored
15. No shaving
16. No masturbating
17. No pornography
18. No smoking
19. No drugs except mushrooms
20. You must wear the same clothes
21. On Saturdays you must either cycle ninety miles or walk thirty
22. On Sundays you must go to church

If you break any of these rules then add one more day to your confinement.

You may find it helpful to get a friend or enemy to help you out with this.

Step ten:

Clean your damn room and reflect on the shadow of a person you have become.

Step eleven:

With any luck you should have had an utterly miserable time, wasted two months of your life, driven yourself insane and lost most of your friends.

You have now found yourself Congratulations!

Step twelve:

Write about your struggle on a dead online message board.

Step fourteen:

You are now part of the gang.